Life – a Poem

Life

Sometimes I can’t.
I can’t even.
I don’t even know what’s going on 
but it hurts.
I don’t know why it hurts 
except I do
but I don’t.

Ugh, why? 
Why can’t life be easy? 
Why do I feel
angry and 
sad and 
hurt and 
Ugh.

Sometimes it’s really great 
and I feel like I’m floating. 
Floating. 
The sun is shining, and it’s actually me! 
I’m shining! I feels awesome! 
Life is good. 
I can do anything or be anything I want. 
I help people see their beauty 
and their greatness. 
That makes me feel good.

And then I get down. 
And I hurt. 
Inside. 
It aches 
but I don’t even know why.

Something is lost. 
Something I loved very much. 
It’s gone 
but I’m the one who threw it away. 
And that hurts. 
The tears roll down my insides 
and over my aching heart
and I feel like I’m going to burst.

I know where it is. But
I know something better is coming. 
I think. 
Oh g-d, why? 
Why?

I love myself, and 
I accept myself, 
even though I don’t understand myself. 
And I forgive myself.

I do.

I am sad, but I have love. 
I have love. 
And I will give that love away. 
My aching, bursting heart 
needs to share the love 
so it will not burst. 
And I will be OK.

I will really be OK. 
In fact, I will be better than OK. 
I will be good! 
I will be GREAT!

I can. 
I will. 
I am. 
I am love.

Love.

I. 
Love.

Love. 

~Sean-Allen Douglass Parfitt 
~Tuesday, September 2nd, about 1:50 AM

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Recollections of Nail-Biting

I was reading results of a study on folks put through ex-gay therapy, and it reminded me of this interesting tidbit from my past.

Around my 22nd or 23rd year, I developed a theory about my “homosexual tendencies” and nail biting. See, I had been biting my nails for as long as I could remember, and I had also been attracted to men since I recognized attraction. In my Christian upbringing, addictions were often treated as a spiritual thing. Older men, first-generation Christians*, would often give testimony that when they got saved their drinking/drug/gamboling addictions would immediately disappear. Many other things, when done in excess, were also considered addictions, including nail biting, video gaming, and looking at pornography. Continue reading

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Little Stories #One

Today I’m going to share four short stories that I’ve written. The come randomly to me in different circumstances, usually from something I’ve read or a comment a friend has made. I would call them more Scenes than Stories, actually, but here they are. Hope you like them. Continue reading

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All the Colors!

I got this idea from my friend Penny. You can read her post here: Colors – Old Skool.

I tend to think in colors a lot. Sometimes I describe my feelings in colors rather than with adjectives. I assign people different colors or auras in my mind. When sending energy to people, it’s always in colors.

The funny part? I’m red-green colorblind!

The questions below are from Kickin’ It Old Skool. Continue reading

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Coming Out Part III: The Pros and Cons

Happy National Coming Out Day!

Happy National Coming Out Day!

This is the third post in my Coming Out series.
Part I | Part II | Part III

Today is the 25th anniversary of

National Coming Out Day!

(Read more here.) I am proud to be an out gay man. As part of my Coming Out series, today I am going to list some of the positives and some of the negatives I’ve faced since my decision to come out of the closet. Continue reading

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Autumn Gold: The Preface

Shopping for my first wig!

Shopping for my first wig!

Hi! You may already know a bit about me (see: every preceding post, also About Me). That’s Sean-Allen you’ve met. But there is someone else I’d like you to meet: Autumn Gold.

I don’t remember when I actually decided I wanted to do drag. It was certainly in the last year and a half, after I came out. I remember discovering RuPaul’s Drag Race and being immediately enthralled. I have since watched seasons 2-5 of RPDR, and all three seasons of RuPaul’s Drag U. Continue reading

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