I realized recently that I had written a note on Facebook several years ago, back when I was still a Christan, before I was even out to myself as gay, let alone out to the world. It’s incredible to read this, because this was before I knew that depression was a thing (thanks to being raised in sheltered uber-Christanity). This is eye-opening, and helps quiet the voices that say “maybe if you stayed closeted and in Christianity, you wouldn’t get depressed!” Look! I have it written down from the past! Wow.
Anyway, here it is.
Why do I feel like crying?
Why do I feel like crying? I have everything I’ve ever really wanted. I work with a Christian ministry, with on-campus housing. All my friends are spiritual up-lifters. Every morning we get a mini-sermon/Bible study.
I have my own apartment, recently remodeled. I have my own set of wheels. I own a top-of the-line desktop computer as well as a laptop. I have had 3 1/2 year of college training in computer science.
I have a secure family that loves me. I have pastors that pray for me. I have a leader that cares for me and helps me grow. I have friends that encourage me.
I recently gave up to the Holy Spirit and listened to His guiding and removed a stumbling block from my life. Some of my friends told me they could see the joy and peace I felt from looking at my countenance.
But I also have a lot of work. I have social activities that I could be attending ’round the clock. I have a ping-pong table in the basement and people to play with till late hours. I have two forums that I need to stay on top of.
So with all the above, I have a lot to be thankful for. And I am! But am I doing too much? Am I wearing myself out? I often feel pressure to attend various gatherings and events. Should I learn to say no? I am not spending the time I want in God’s word. Is that why I feel like crying?
Why, Lord? I love you!